Life as I know it

* Life is stressful. There’s always something going on (or will be going on soon) that will be hard to deal with. It’s less about what we have to deal with; rather, how do we deal with it? For the most part, I just hope that I’ll have enough strength to not freak out while I deal. Doesn’t that sound pretty reasonable?

* Life can be lonely. we spend a significant portion of our day emotionally isolated from others. We aren’t ALONE, but we are not truly connected with the people who are around us. Work, school, activities-we do what we do, we get through our day, we stay busy enough to not notice that we’re actually very lonely. I wish we were able to go back to the way things used to be, before electronics, before big government, before the B.S., back to a time when people worked to survive, but they did it surrounded by people they loved. They only had to deal with others outside the family circle on a rare occasion.

* Life can be boring. I think we’re just totally overstimulated. We have technology everywhere and we rely on it for entertainment. If we aren’t watching, typing, playing something electronic, we are looking for ways to do so. Clearly, I’m not saying that I’m perfect, because as I type my blog on the internet on my netbook, I’m also updating iTunes on my laptop, watching/listening to a DVD and hoping to get a text from someone. When I go do laundry later, I’ll be listening to my iPod while I read and text/surf the web on my smart phone. But you know what? we desperately need to make time for ourselves, during which we reconnect with the other parts of life that don’t have to be plugged in, streaming, or in some other way connect to an external power source. Go read a book in a park and listen to the wind in the trees. Build something. Do something simply for the enjoyment of the act. Quit expecting life to dump your perfect scenario in your lap because it’s not going to happen.

* Life is confusing. What have I been doing? What should I be doing now? What should I do next? Why not do what ends up presenting itself to you at the time? There isn’t much point in planning every single detail because something is going to change your plans. You know this is true, just like I do. C’mon, now. Think about it. Every time you’ve made some big elaborate scheme to set something up a specific way, with certain people doing specific things, the plan will change. Murphy has something to do with that, I believe.

* Life can be WAY more fun than we allow it to be. We take ourselves SO seriously that we get in our own way. Since when are we the only people who are allowed to be right? Why does our definition of fun apply to everyone around us? What if someone else’s idea of fun really IS, but because we’re always right, we miss out on a great opportunity? We start out with these preconceived notions that screw us over and change everything we could actually experience. We need to quit being so selfish and making things about us, and try to see things from someone else’s point of view.

* Life is short. How old are you now? What have you done in your life to date that was really fun, exciting, unique, memorable? Not much, I’ll bet. I’ve done a few things, but I know that there’s more to come. I’m not saying it’s not good to dream and have ideas, but then you have to actually GO ACHIEVE those dreams and ACT ON those ideas. Seriously. Life isn’t going to drop these things in your lap. Life gives you the opportunity to dream, but it also gives you the chance to work for it. YOU. Not your mommy and daddy and their checkbook. Go live your life. go get your dreams.

* Life is what we have. We’ve got the time we’re living in. So go do something with it. What are you doing, you self-righteous hypocrite?, You may ask? I’m going to do laundry and shop for stuff for my apartment because I need to and because I want to. I’m going to live life the way I should and quit complaining about everything, because the more you complain, the faster you run out of time for the fun stuff.

YAY FOR LAUNDRY DAY!

What a weekend!

The weekend was definitely welcome.

First off, let me say that the work week leaves something to be desired.  I am happy that my schedule allows me to go to all these required meetings, but when you’re talking about things that have no bearing on me or my department, PLEASE don’t call me out when I’m asking my neighbor a question.

So.  Payday Friday.  It’s been a LOOOOOONG time since I’ve had a paycheck, so this was very welcome.  Friday night I get (kinda) dressed up (for me, anytime I have to wear heels, even my mini-heels, is dressing up) and meet a big group of people downtown at Copper Blues for a birthday party.  What a great venue!  I’ll have to go back there at some point.  Because the people I went with have the crazy hook-up, we got reserved seating in the club and also stage-side seating in Stand Up Live for Bruce Bruce!  I’ve never been to a comedy club before, so that was pretty awesome.

Since I’m still here in Phoenix for a while, I’ve decided that I’m going to go out and DO stuff here.  I’m going to explore.  For goodness’ sake, I’ve lived here for 5 years now!  I need to try new things!  Break out of that comfort zone!

While at SUL, I got to visit with a coworker who I’ve never previously been able to talk to very much, and it was really great because she seems to have a good positive strong spirit, and I love having those kinds of people in my life!  I’m happy to know that she is that kind of person; there aren’t enough in the world!  I’ll be seeking her out to hang with again.

Yesterday was the definition of a lazy day.  WOW.  Slept in, read, took a nap, ate some lunch, played on the computer, watched a movie.  Then after that exhausting day, I went to see Rise of the Planet of the Apes.  I cried.  The animal cruelty just astounds me.  I’m glad it turned out the way it did; I actually like the movie a lot.  It just hurt to see people blatently hurting animals.  Then I went to the pub with (oh, hell, what’s her name on my blog???) AZBF which was cool.  I got there kind of late, after midnight, and the place was DEAD.  Good thing the KCs were playing or I would have gotten in the car and driven home.

So anyway.  At the pub.  AZBF was having some drinks, but I declined because it was too late and I’d had plenty of booze at the club Friday night (thanks for the tequila shot, friend of my friend!), and I really need to lay off the alcohol calories right now.  So we’re chillin’ at the table right in front of the band because there’s NO ONE ELSE IN THE PLACE (practically).  This random guy comes up and asks a question that he didn’t think we’d be able to hear, but I did because I was sober and he was yelling in my ear.  He’s tall, pretty cute, decent personality.  We’ll call him Mr. Manager.  So he walks away and AZBF tells me to go after him!  Go!  He’s CUTE!  To which I replied, “yes, he is, and he can continue being cute!  But he’s DRUNK!”  So she goes after him for me!  Oy.  I love this girl when she drinks. 

So she comes back, then runs to the restroom, and then Mr. Manager comes by and says that he is, in fact, the manager, and wants to make sure everybody’s doing okay.  Can he get me something to drink?  I decline, due to the lost voice and the no drinking thing, but if he’s offering, some water would be spectacular.  He says sit tight, I’ll be right back.  So I’m chillin’, waiting for AZBF to come back, the band is packing up, it’s pretty quiet.  NO ONE COMES BACK TO THE TABLE.  So I grab my purse and get ready to head out; I find AZBF at another table with a couple of other people we know and we chat for a couple minutes before I take off.  Mr. Manager (who I REALLY don’t believe is the actual manager) is chatting up some other girl with a nice rack (we pick each other out of a crowd, and are jealous of one another…) and has totally ignored me.  But it really is okay, because I’m pretty sure he was lying about the Manager thing, and he was drunk (and I SO was not), and I really don’t care because there is no room for boys in my life right now.  At least boys that I have to pursue.  I have no time to chase.  I must be chased.

Is that selfish?  Clearly I don’t care.  I’m tired of chasing and chasing and chasing, only to find that whatever I was chasing has disappeared and I’m now running around in circles trying to find something that isn’t there.

Off to do laundry now!

OMG. Best idea EVER.

Mandi is a genius.

That is all.

It’s the end of my life as I know it…

Until November 13th. Volleyball has begun.

I’m really excited, but OMG there’s SO MUCH WORK TO DO! I’m staying really positive, and I think I’m going to get the kind of support I need from administration, so that’s exciting.

Here’s what’s going on in that area:

* I think, if we have the numbers that I’m expecting, I WILL have two teams this year! YAY!

* If I have two teams, there will be another coach! So that means that there will be continuity for the program after I leave (because, let’s face it, I’m NOT going to be there forever)!

* I don’t have to feel badly about cutting girls. I can keep like 35 of them as long as I have another coach!

Also: I get paid Friday.

It’s been a good (CRAZYBUSY, but good) day.

What do we want?

So right now I’m watching “What Women Want”. And it got me thinking: what do I want?
Some things that came to mind:
1. I want to get rid of all the crap that’s cluttering my apartment. It’s pretty symbolic of my life, actually; there’s this whole corner full of stuff from the past that I’m afraid to let go of. What if I need it? What if something from that life comes back and wonders why I got rid of it? But then, as I look at the PILE IN THE CORNER (which, in an apartment this small, isn’t so much a corner as a significant portion of my square footage), I remember that my life doesn’t have room for new stuff until I get rid of the old stuff that’s weighing me down. How can I possibly be ready to start new chapters when I keep reading the first one over and over and OVER?
2. I want to have people in my life that make me happy, not people that I’m making happy. My life needs to include others, not be about others. It’s MY life, for crying out loud! I used to be a doormat, and I quit (for a while), and my life was AWESOME! Now, I’m reverting to my old ways and they’re making me cranky, and I don’t WANT to be cranky! I want to be happy. I want to have fun. I want to do things that I enjoy, not give them up because of my “obligations” to other people! I want to start choosing things for ME.
3. I want to be more organized. I hate being a packrat, and I’ve been one my entire life. This has got to stop! This fits in with number one (duh) so amazingly well that they could be life partners. The less stuff I have, the more likely I am to keep track of what I do possess. Clearly, the corner is MUCH bigger than it should be.
4. I want to do something INCREDIBLE with my life! Yes, I know, I’m a teacher, the most noble work a person can do, helping others in their formative years, the most important years of their lives, blah blah BLAH. GINGER. I enjoy my work. So much so that it doesn’t really even feel like work! But I feel like there’s something bigger out there with my name on it. And I need to find it. I need to go get it. I need to try.

AND THE BIGGEST FUCKING COCKROACH I’VE EVER SEEN JUST WALKED ACROSS MY FLOOR. Like, “I’m a big bad cockroach and I OWN this place!” I’m shaking so hard right now I might throw up. Holy crap.
5. I want to move OUT OF THIS APARTMENT. NOW.

If I had a magic wand…

Yes, dear, I’ve copied this from you.

…I’d do all the big stuff to make the world a better place, i.e. remove national debt, 95% of our worthless politicians, and abuse. And more, of course.

…I’d do something to every brain in the world to make them actually care about one another instead of getting ahead.

…I’d find a home for all abandoned animals and help people to understand that their pets are little people in fur coats who depend on them for their health and happiness, and that, of course, Bob Barker’s right.

…I’d institute an amazing policy that would require all people to pass a test before they could physically have children. Some genetic coding thing.

…I’d make sure that public servants made more money than professional athletes.

…and then, after I’ve taken care of all that stuff, I’d get a little selfish. Because, let’s face it, it’s a FUCKING MAGIC WAND.

…I’d pay off my bills (and those of my parents and brother) and we’d all have exactly the stuff that we NEED to get through life happily with no struggles. And a nice car.

…I’d go anywhere I wanted. Greece would be nice.

…I’d take a quick swing at the people who’ve hurt me and make their eyes see deep inside the person they superficially judged and show them what they’re missing by not having a ROCK STAR like me in their life.

…I’d make every day 30 hours long so that I can sleep for 10 every night and STILL get all my shit done.

…I would give each of my friends one hour with the wand, because, let’s face it, I’ll never know exactly what it is they would want, so I’ll just allow them a chance to make it happen for themselves!

Blast From the Past

No, not this bizarrely hilarious movie with Christopher Walken and Brendan Fraser. I’m referring to the fact that my ex came out to the pub last night. Had NO idea that Rhubarb (I really dig this name-change thing! Thanks, friend!) was gonna show. I’m sitting there, talking to The Man and POOF! Around the corner pops Rhubarb.

*Side note: did you know that in movie crowd scenes where there needs to be crowd noise of a large number of people, all those that are a part of the scene shout “rhubarb”? It successfully conveys the sense that there are lots and lots of people having conversations in the background when in actuality, it’s only a few people! Just so you know. Good trivia.

So anyway: Rhubarb shows up. I have a mini-freak-out for about 8 seconds, the heart speeds up, and my mind goes, “oh HELL! What do I do now???”, but since I’m in a conversation with The Man, I just go back to visiting (shouting; it’s a pub, and the KCs are playing, after all).

Throughout the evening, as I have more and more drinks with the AZBF, I feel less and less like caring. Amazingly, it has nothing to do with the alcohol and its ability to numb painful situations. I really didn’t care. And I still don’t.

So I guess I’ve learned a few things since the breakup (which was 18 months ago, if anyone’s counting):

1. I have the ability to recognize when a person no longer belongs in my life.
2. I also have the ability to recognize why said person is undeserving of my time and effort.
3. I CAN move on.
4. I can also be civil.

The last thing I learned last night before Rhubarb took off was that he is still quite selfish. I started a conversation with him, just simple stuff, like, so, what’s new? He had no problem running off at the mouth about his new job opportunity (working for the parents, yippee) and his new house (show-off much?), but had absolutely nothing to say to me in terms of making friendly conversation. No questions, no compliments, NADA.

So, as I sign off, I shall say this:

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. You are a visitor in my life, and I am an adult in my dealings with you. But you are NOT a part of my life and never will be again. I hope you’re happy in the life you chose, but you are not deserving of my time or my emotions. I’m strong enough to go on without you in my life, and I will continue to do so.

Buh-bye.

First Friday

Well, the first Friday of the school year has come and gone. Technically, it’s not, but I count it, even if kids haven’t arrived yet. Meetings are finished, my classroom is moved around, and all I have to do tomorrow (yes, I’m going to work on Saturday–such is the life of an underpaid teacher who never has enough time to plan!) is go in and get my first week ready! Health, Advisory and Volleyball all need to get underway, so I’ll be there for a few hours tomorrow.

Did lunch with the gang today, as well as a former student who came in to help me organize. Great food, but TOTALLY off my diet. I really need to get this going mentally. I know I can stay focused and lose this weight (I lost 11 pounds in the first two weeks, when I was being REALLY good), but I just need to get my shit in a pile. Still down 13, so that’s good, but I could be down 18, and I was before I cam back to the desert, so I gotta get back to it. Then I only have 52 new pounds to lose!

I also need to get to the post office so I can send this present out…

a co-worker who I don’t really like (we’ll call this person MoneyPenny) really got on my nerves this week, and MP actually asked if I was dating! Like it’s your business. Let’s get through the department meeting, shall we? We’re not friends, and we don’t ever hang out. So keep your life to yourself and allow me to do likewise. If I want to share, I’ll bring it up. Gross.

And as far as dating goes: I’m seriously done with it. My life doesn’t have room for anyone who isn’t perfect right now, so I’ll wait for him to show up. No more active searching. I’m good.

I keep saying that, don’t I?

Back at it.

So I think I’m in trouble.

I’m back in Phoenix and I don’t think I want to be anymore.  But the problem is–where else am I gonna go?

Mom wants me home SO BAD.  However: I can’t pay my bills and live in Montana.  I would have to sell ALL my stuff and live with my parents.  And I can’t do that.  I love my parents, but I can’t move back in.  I just can’t.

I could live in Spokane, or somewhere close to that.  But the cost of living is higher than my current situation, so I’m really not into that either.

I’ll probably end up overseas.  Europe would rock my world.

So do I want to move now because I’ve made up my mind that I have 2 years left in the states?  Is it my goal to get out of here?

 

Some things I came up with whilst keeping my mouth shut…

Had an interesting conversation in the car last night on the way back from a lake cruise. (Sounds a LOT ritzier than it was, I assure you. We played beer pong with RUM. And we SUCKED.) So apparently, a certain person (who shall be forever known as Mint Julep) is STILL NOT DIVORCED. And Mr. Mint has a history of letting bad things roll of his back, which in certain circumstances can be a good thing, but in this case, he does not learn from said circumstances. He continues to bumble along. And straight from Mr. Mint’s sister, Strawberry Sangria, Julep is a man who needs a woman to take care of him. He doesn’t actively search her out based on this characteristic, but he does inherently need a caretaker. Sangria has also talked to Mom and Dad Mint about me being a good match, and Sangria (I love this girl!) has quickly diverted them for my sake, because, clearly, I’m like her, and she is NO caretaker.

So that’s a load off.

I wish you luck, Mr. Mint, with your search.

Sure am glad I decided not to share certain discussions between Mr. Mint and myself, because life could look seriously less rosy (more of a pepto bismol) this morning if I hadn’t.